In society today, we have "Silver Alerts" to notify communities when an
elderly person goes missing. Of course, the "Amber Alert" is
well-known when one of our children is missing. When contemplating the state of
the eating disorder industry and community, perhaps the time has come for a
"Dad Alert."
First, if you are a loving
mother of a child or are the wife or female significant other who have loved
ones who are afflicted with an eating disorder, my heart and whatever strength
I have left goes out to you. Having said that, this article is not for
you. You may go back to your regularly scheduled program. Do not pass Go,
Do not collect $200.00.
Dads, this article is
directed at you with a very simple premise ... Where in the blue hell are you?
A few months ago, the
movie, "To the Bone" premiered and is still listed on Netflix.
Previously, I had the opportunity to meet the writer/director and lead actress
of this film at a Project HEAL event in New York City. The movie starred Keanu
Reeves as the primary recognized Hollywood actor. Thus, on the day it
premiered, I was cautiously hopeful that at long last, eating disorders would
be portrayed as the insidious disease it truly is. I also hoped that at long
last, a father would be portrayed in the movie as a person with depth,
substance, emotion and compassion. How naive I was.
The father in the movie,
who is on spouse number two (who from this point forward will be referred to as
"The Sequel"), is portrayed as being an absent, non-caring father.
His daughter is kicked out of a program for being non-compliant. Is he there to
pick her up? No … even though she is staying at his house. Is he there to
greet her, talk to her, embrace her? Uh, no. The Sequel is though and blathers
on with triggering language. Rules of the house are discussed and "comply
or leave" threats are made by ... the father? Uh, no. When decisions are
made to have the actress enroll in a "revolutionary" new treatment
program, is the father there to participate in the decision? Uh, no. When a family
group counseling session is held, the actress's mother shows up with her wife
from out of state. The Sequel and the actress’s step-sister are there. Is the
father present? Uh, no. He has a business meeting. He cannot even attend via
Skype. This “revolutionary doctor” gives up on family counseling from that
point forward. When the actress abruptly leaves that program, goes missing and
ends up at her mother's house out-of-state, is the dad concerned enough to be
portrayed as having made telephone calls and inquiring as to her whereabouts?
You know the answer. Finally, when the actress returns to her dad's house
because she knows that living in a wigwam outside of her mom's house and being
fed with a baby bottle "may" just be a bit much, is the dad there to
greet her at the airport or upon her return to his house, embraces her and
expresses his love for her? Yeah, right.
Now, I understand this
movie was supposed to be loosely based on the writer/director's life. More's
the pity. To parade the dysfunctionality of her father onto the screen though
does nothing to advance father's rights or incredibly important role in the
eating disorder industry.
I recently screened another
movie on eating disorders to be released. One father who never appeared in the
movie was portrayed as an alcoholic. The two fathers (or step-fathers) who did
appear had an air of subservience, of little strength and limited insight into
the disease. At least they were portrayed in this movie. And my initial
response was … anger. Once again, dads being undermined and disregarded. But
then, the harsh reality hit me squarely between the eyes.
And that harsh reality is
that these movies are portraying the real life perception of society toward men
and fathers in the eating disorder recovery process.
If you review all of the
eating disorder foundations, projects and communities on the internet, you will
find that the vast majority are female dominated. You will see rainbows, and
flowers and butterflies. You will see freshly scrubbed young, mostly white
female faces. You will see messages of "I recovered. I'm ok and you can be
ok too." You will see groups, both closed and open on Facebook being
numerically dominated by mothers and women.
When doctors, counselors
and persons employed in the eating disorder industry talk with family members,
they are used to the point of contact being the mother. At family group
counseling sessions with hospitals and residential programs, the mothers do the
vast majority of interaction while the fathers who do attend for the most part,
sit in stoic silence.
In a 2014 paper published
on the Eating Disorder Hope website, you will find the following
statements, "Unfortunately, many women have not had the
opportunity to experience an emotionally stable or healthy relationship with
their father due to various circumstances, including:
· Divorce
· Abandonment
· Neglect
· Emotional
detachment
· Substance
abuse
·
If you
have found this to be true in your own life, it is important to understand
that you are NOT at fault for any
discord between you and your father. [their emphasis]." (A
statement about which I do agree.)
“Even
if your relationship with your father is irreparable, you can still heal
yourself. Where you may have lacked nurturing care from
a father, you can learn to give to yourself and through relationships with
other people in your life who are positive and supportive.”
Granted,
the same paper also stated that a healthy relationship with a father was
crucially important. Yet, imagine
the outcry of the eating disorder industry if the same remarks had been made
about the mother-daughter relationship! People would be burned at the
stake. People would be shuttered
away in the same warehouses nationwide now housing Robert E. Lee statues.
So, as
dads … what do we do?
In the
movie, “The Empire Strikes Back,” in
teaching a young Luke Skywalker, the Jedi master Yoda, states, “You must unlearn, what you have
learned.” In short, that tidbit of
wisdom means that some of the knowledge you may have previously learned may not
be true and could be impeding your ability to learn and grow. The days of being the “strong, silent
type,” must end. Dads, you MUST articulate. You MUST communicate. You MUST emote. You MUST be transparent and open in
your thoughts, words and deeds with your beloved child during their greatest
time of need.
Numerous research papers
indicate that a healthy father - daughter relationship raise women's chances of
developing self-reliance and confidence and is a crucial part of the eating
disorder recovery process.
You do not have the luxury
of standing on the sidelines of life while your child fights this insidious
demonic disease. You also must
know that the demon will be lashing out at you through your child’s voice,
deriding you, trying to run you down, trying to separate you from your beloved
child or loved one. That doesn’t
matter! You MUST be strong. You
MUST be smart.
If your father did not
communicate with you in that manner … tough! You do not have to be, “that man.” Show your beloved child that it is acceptable to show
emotion [especially other than anger].
Cry in front of your child.
Smile, laugh, live. In
showing all emotions you are not showing weakness … you are showing strength
and self-awareness.
Talk to the doctors and
counselors. Research and study
this disease gentlemen. This
disease is trying to rip the life from your beloved child. It is your greatest, most deadly enemy.
If someone broke into your home with a gun in hand, you would fight to the
death that person to protect your child. That is exactly what this demonic
disease is. This is a fight to the death. Do not doubt that for one second.
Gentlemen … the ball is in
your court. Change, evolve, become self-aware and communicate. Or, if you do not, the consequences will be deadly.
