Light Morgan's Candle on Christmas 2017

Christmas is upon us. A time for rebirth of our faith and hope for the future. We are reminded so vividly of the very first Christmas present... a parent’s love for their child. 

Time has marched on as it does and has done its worst. And yet once again, I am asking you to light a candle on Christmas Day.

Last year on Christmas Day, candles were lit literally around the world… California, Oregon, Indiana, New York, Virginia, Florida, Oklahoma, other states and of course, our own beloved Texas.  Even Germany, England and Australia checked in and showed candles which burned brightly on that day bringing the light of love and hope to an otherwise darkened heart and in remembrance of my beloved daughter, Morgan. 

The journey after my beloved daughter, Morgan was taken on October 30 2016 has been unexpected, unforeseen and draining. And in many ways, has just begun.  

At Morgan's "Celebration of Life," when I spoke, I said that she had "The Heart of a Lioness and the Soul of a Warrior." And yet after that time, I came to grips with the reality that my anguish manifested itself in a barely controlled internal rage. I instinctively knew that unless I got very busy addressing that rage, keeping it at bay, it would consume me.  And in that rage, or despite that rage, a path began to be revealed. My soul was revealed and its purpose was made clear. I now firmly believe that we are subjected to the trials and tribulations in life to not only test our will, but to groom us, to prepare us for an ultimate challenge that could by its immensity, otherwise break us. However, each and every day is a challenge.  A challenge of the heart.  A challenge of the soul. 

2017 saw the birth of The Morgan Foundation. My daughter is dead.  And “business as usual” is not acceptable. I have found that the eating disorder industry is a mess of self-interest, silo mentality and provincial thought processes with very little innovative thinking.  They are putting a “my little pony” band-aide on a compound fracture.  That is not acceptable. 

So this past year, a few television appearances, producing three part radio shows on eating disorders, TEDx talks, writing white papers and blogs, helping a number of young people get back into treatment and now, pursuing legislation (through political advisors) to amend the Texas Organ Donation law to include tissue and other biologic material.  So, why is this important?  These materials from people who die as a result of mental illnesses can go to UT Southwestern and other research institutions for study and research into not only eating disorders but all mental illnesses.  And that is only the first step. 

That rage has been controlled by my soul.  And I have given myself over to let events come to me on this path.  And yet, I will never give up.  I will never relent. There is too much work to do… too many lives to save. And the mission that Morgan started as set forth in her journals will be carried forward by her foundation.

Morgan’s Christmas gift to me last year is repeated again this year and will be repeated every year … that is a child’s unconquerable, unstoppable, unconditional love for her daddy.  For truly, if a parent's love for their child is the very first Christmas gift, then surely, a child's love for their parent... that candle of life, burning so brightly in a parent's heart and soul is the perfect way to say "thank you" for that first Christmas gift.

Once again on Christmas Day or Evening, 8 weeks and one year to the moment she left me, I will light a candle in Morgan's honor, will recite the Lord's Prayer and will look to our tomorrow's with hope, with faith, with strength, with resolve and with love.  

I feel darkness and anguish gripping me as it never has before. And yet, I still pray, I hope for one brief moment, one silent moment, I will find peace.  I urge all of you for just one perfect moment on one silent night...not just in your head, but in your heart and in your soul, rejoice that you are loved and that you love others. Hug your children, tell them you love them, and know, know for an absolute certainty, that the love you feel is unconditional and all powerful. 

One candle to light the way.  To illuminate the darkness.

And Sometimes ... an Angel Appears

This year will be the second Christmas since my beloved Morgan was taken.  And the pain is deeper this year.  I believe that for those of us who have had a beloved child taken from life, the first year we largely live in a state of shock.  It is almost as if we cannot believe it happened.  It is only after that one-year anniversary that the permanence of the loss hits.  And just when you think a scar on your heart cannot increase in size ... it does.

Well, the Holidays are now upon us.  Despite getting the Christmas tree, decorating it, going to several Holiday related shows, decorating the place with poinsettias, setting up a box for toys to take to Children's Medical Center ... this month has been more of an overwhelming reminder of who was taken and the pain that was gripping me.  I was fighting that depression monster every day and for the first time in a long time, I felt that monster was winning. However, it seems like in our greatest hour of despair, when we need a sign that our soul is still alive, the unexpected happens and a divine hand is extended to lift us up.

I received permission to put a large, decorated box in the lobby of my complex. Along with The Something for Kelly Foundation, The Morgan Foundation is going to take donated toys and stuffed animals to the Children's Medical Center. So, here it is, December 12 and I am talking with some of the management staff, when suddenly a gentleman probably in his mid-30s walks up and hears what we are talking about. He then jumps into the conversation and says, "Holy Cow.. I have a good friend who has a room full of stuffed animals that are new! You are going to need a bigger box!" Of course, that made me feel like something good is still happening and a number of kids will have more than they thought at Christmas.  And  yet, even then, I did not necessarily feel my soul being uplifted.

Then, the divine happened.

He the said, "By the way, if you know of any young people in the building here, bring them in front in about 10 minutes. I have friends who are firefighters who are bringing over two fire trucks." We stood there for just a second, and someone asked him why they were coming.  It was at that inopportune time that I got a phone call and had to step away for a moment.

As I came back, the two fire trucks were in front of the building ... lights on, wheels chocked. I talked to a few people who were standing nearby and then, I see this young boy ... he couldn't have been more than 10 years old or so. I looked at Shawn, one of the management people. He pulls me aside and said that they were just told that this 10 year old boy has an incurable disease and will be probably be gone in a few months. Naturally, my eyes teared up right away as I knew the pain which lay ahead for his parents.

And yet, as I looked at this boy, who knew his time was going to be short, he was so animated! He was laughing, waving his arms, putting the fireman's helmet on, he worked the siren, and a joy, a sweet, innocent wonder just emanated from him.  All I could do was stand there and look at him.  His hair neatly combed, his face absolutely glowing.  His smile was this incredible, pure expression of the joy and love that surely must have been in his heart.  There were about 6 firemen around him ... most had tears in their eyes and tried to look away so the boy would not see that. And in that boy's presence... you could feel a divinity at work.

That boy could not possibly know the gift he was giving everyone on that day and at that time.  A gift of strength, of love, of courage. A gift that reminds us of the incredible beauty that exists within the soul.  I recall Shawn saying how it was so unfair that sometimes the best ones are taken so young.  And then a few words came to me and without a second thought, I said, "Well, maybe God needs him more than we do right now. And look around, his soul will always be with us."

I know that for obvious reasons, this experience was put before me.  And for those who believe in Angels on earth (as I do), I have no doubt that I was afforded a brief glimpse of an Angel.  I was given a reminder of the path I surely must remain on and renewed strength to carry on with Morgan’s mission.
 

This incredible gift, the brief glimpse of this child, this Angel was surely the best Christmas present a grieving father could possibly receive.  And my suffering soul is quieter, is more at peace and has renewed strength to carry on the battle.  In keeping with The Morgan Foundation’s mission … It’s about saving lives … One Precious Life at a Time.