One Year ...

One year. 12 months. 365 days.  8760 hours. 525,600 minutes. 31,536,000 seconds.

How do we measure a year?

For some, we look back and realize that a year has seemingly dragged by with the droll slowness of watching paint dry.  And yet, in other ways, we look upon that same period of time, we blink our eyes, the passage of time has transported us recklessly ahead at the speed of light and we wonder where that time went.  When we break down a year into months, we see the number 12, a number that is relatively small and easily understood. But, when we break down a year into seconds, the thought of over 31 million measurements of time seems daunting and overwhelming.

For a parent, when  their beloved child is taken from life, the shock, the anguish to the heart, the mind, and the soul is incomprehensible.  As that first year elapses, a parent looks back upon the year wondering how fast that year flew by.  "It only seems like yesterday!  I remember her incredible smile and laughter so vividly!" And at the same time, as those 31,536,000 seconds elapse, a parent looks back upon that time and feels each second slowing ticking away as if each second was a small cut to their body, their life blood dripping with each cut, feeling the pain with each passing second... and dreading the seconds to come. Tick ... Tick.

With eating disorders, when a child or loved one is taken by this insidious disease, perhaps the best part of our heart is taken as well.  Their lives are not extinguished quickly.  The process is slow and painful. Tick Tick. When the doctor quietly says, "She's gone." In a blink of an eye,  you feel, you know the best part of your heart has died as well.

Naturally, all doctors and counselors look a parent squarely in the eye and say, "It is not your fault.  Parents are not to blame."  The eating disorder industry is very quick to point out that parents are not to blame.  My reply would be, "Have you had a beloved child ripped away by this damnable disease?  I have."  And no matter what you are told, or what the literature states, you always question and wonder if you could have done more, and with perfect clarity in hindsight, you come up with all of these wonderful, alternative ways you would have changed up the treatment plans or programs who tried to save the life of your child. You also know for an absolute certainty, that those thoughts will be part of who you are until your dying day, each and every day. Tick... Tick.

And the only remaining issue is, will those thoughts destroy you ... or will they fill you with this incredible resolve and strength.  Besides Biblical references, there are at least two inspirational writings that I reflect upon in times of need.  The first, from Dylan Thomas states, "Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day, Rage, Rage against the dying of the light."  The second, from President Teddy Roosevelt states, "Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in a gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat."

A few months before Morgan was taken, someone was talking with her in our apartment.  It had been a particularly difficult day, the eating disorder demon was living strongly in our place and I felt old and worn out.  This person told Morgan, "Morgan, can't you see what this is doing to your dad.  He looks broken."  I then overheard her voice with clarity, strength  and perhaps even some anger, say, "My daddy is not broken!  He will never break! He is strong and can survive anything!" And so we shall.

Many people have approached us expressing their admiration for what we have done in the past 365 days.  They wonder how we could have done so many things in that time frame and they openly say that they do not believe they could have reacted as we have. However, it is as if the work we have done, what little there has been done, was not the result of a conscious decision.  It was not a calculated choice on our part. It is simply the outward manifestation of a soul's purpose and mission.  That purpose manifested itself in the soul of an incredible young lady and the mission was set forth in Morgan's Journals and reflected in the outpouring of love we received beginning 365 days ago.

And so, today is not an "Angelversary."  There will be no flowers, no butterflies, no rainbows no unicorns in this posting. Be sad or sorrowful for awhile if that is what your heart needs. I know I certainly am sad.  There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of her and miss her.  She was my "twin." Tears come and will continue to come.  But, in that sorrow comes additional clarity.  I now truly  and completely understand what Morgan meant when she said, "My daddy is not broken!  He will never break!"  Morgan was not talking about my physical body. She was not talking about my intellect. She was talking about my soul.  Perhaps she sensed it. Perhaps she knew I needed to get out of my own way and let my soul find me and its purpose made clear. And so, it was.

On this day, inspiration is revealed.  Inner strength continues to grow. We have a plan in place.  We have some incredible partners and supporters who share our vision. Eating Disorders absolutely did their worst.  And yet here we stand, stronger, more resolute than ever.  The Army of Warrior Angels is restless. And, so too, I hope the Army left here on earth just as restless and ready for action.

The Heart of a Lioness and Soul of a Warrior.  Do not just let them be words.

We are coming. And we will save lives ... One Precious Life at a time.