The Power of the Message ... and the Image of the Messenger

Eating disorders come into our lives in different ways, through different means, in different and varying disguises. This disease knows all too well the weaknesses in the human heart and soul and it preys upon them.  Ego, anger, insecurity, greed, ignorance and especially fear. This disease sows hate-filled seeds of self-destruction within us and then waters them, tending them carefully knowing that our weaknesses need so little to have them flourish and grow into a monster which consumes and ultimately destroys us. And it happens with all aspects of this disease and with all people who are caught in its insidious web.

There are a number of both "open" and "closed" groups on Facebook and other social media which are designed to provide "peer-to-peer" support for parents needing help and advice when they, or their loved ones are fighting this disease. A closed group is a group in which a person must first request consent from a Moderator to be included. The purpose of this ostensibly, is to protect the confidentiality of its members and to protect the integrity of the information being disclosed. Good, sound advice has been given and assistance has been obtained in these groups.

For example, a few months ago, I was contacted by an advocate based in Kansas who knew of a mother in Houston whose son was suffering and who was not receiving effective treatment. She asked me about treatment facilities in the Dallas area. I put her in touch with a good friend who was then the marketing person for the eating disorder program at Texas Health Presbyterian. She contacted her counterpart at Children’s Medical Center in Plano (a suburb in Dallas). Within days, the mother’s son had been checked into Children’s and was receiving the life-saving treatment he needed. That is an example of how these groups can and should operate.

Ironically at about the same time, one of the leading parent support “closed groups” on Facebook went through an acrimonious “divorce,” as moderators were abruptly removed and excluded, a new group with the same name was opened and ego, anger, threats and recrimination were played out on a public stage which was supposed to be reserved for providing sound advice and support for parents who are in the grip of fear, of suffering the greatest heartache and pain a parent can feel … the death of their beloved child. In response to this public disgrace within the group, I posted the following:

“I watched the ridiculous eyeball scratching, pillow fight yesterday with at first, mostly amusement, which then turned to pity which then turned to muted anger.

Yesterday, and the split into two groups, was not about a division of professional ideas and a collegial disagreement on how best to treat this insidious disease.  It was not about how best to help those parents whose souls are in agonizing pain. It was not about love, or faith, or hope. If that was indeed the case, then an orderly and mutually beneficial split could have been obtained with the clear messages of each group being delivered to those who so desperately need a candle in their darkness.

The Message.  The Message. The Message.

Going back as far as Biblical times (or for those of you who do not believe in God), then going back as far as at least 2000 years, the maxim, “It is the power of the message and not the image of the messenger” rings just as strongly today.

And yesterday, the Message was completely obliterated. Yesterday was about ego, and self-importance, and insecurities and inadequacies.  And so called “leaders” on both sides dragged this insipid ugliness into the clear light of day and paraded it around without regard to the pain, the suffering of the parents and their loved ones whose souls are compromised.

And to give it even greater clarity, in the four plus hours that the ugliest of the pissing match was going on, FOUR MORE SOULS WERE CLAIMED BY THIS DAMNABLE DISEASE!  And as to all the so-called “leaders,” not one remembered… not one gave the slightest indication that they gave a damn.  They were too caught up in feeling snubbed, or making demands or having their little feelings hurt or caught up in an emotional scrap heap.  FOUR MORE SOULS WERE TAKEN!  While everyone was scrambling for scraps from the table, and pointing fingers and being in every way, the very worst example of a self-absorbed, self-important close-minded reprobates … FOUR MORE LIVES WERE TAKEN!

To those who would say, “you don’t know everything that went on behind the scenes,” know this for an absolute fact… whatever you believe was so important about “what went on behind the scenes,” speaks to the image of the messenger, and is NOT about the POWER OF THE MESSAGE.

The two, mirror EDSP groups epitomize EVERYTHING that is wrong, everything that is bad in the eating disorder industry today. The silo-mentality, the isolationism, the self-importance, the self-absorption, the close-mindedness, the inability and unwillingness to listen.  And this begs the very real question… if you cannot even resolve your differences in a professional, calm transparent manner, why should any parent remotely believe that you are capable of offering advice or resources that is based on any type of objective standard instead of emotionalism and self-interest? Two mirror groups with the same message HURT those persons who need help the most.

Now, you want to ban me for an hour, or for good and delete this post because it is speaking some very hard truths? Buh-Bye.  I have helped a number of people on here behind the scenes, my child is dead so I am not getting any help on here and I am one of perhaps… two men who post on here.

And I do know another thing for an absolute certainty, the pissing match and subsequent split in the group grossly insulted the memory of my beloved daughter, Morgan, it insulted the memory of Maggie, it insulted each and every Warrior Angel this damnable disease has ripped from this earth.  And if the so-called leaders do NOT find a way to repair the rift and present a unified, transparent, open-minded front to supply a larger, greater, stronger, combined resource group for those parents and loved ones who are in agony, if the so-called leaders cannot find a way to get past the pettiness, then you are not part of the solution… you are part of the problem.  And when you become part of the problem, you will be treated accordingly.

Eating disorders, and the evil it instills in the brain, the heart and the soul it represents are my sworn, permanent and hated enemy. I will not stop.  I will chase this Demon.  I will chase it round Good Hope, and round the horn, and round Norway’s maelstrom and round perdition’s flames before I give him up. And if you are part of the problem, pray that you do not cross my journey.

Put your egos aside, remember the POWER of the message. The solution is simple.  The implementation of the solution is very simple.  The only complex thing is the ego… and if the message is important… that then is not complex.”

The impact of this message was exactly … zero. The two groups are still and will forever remain, split. Acrimony has been directed at the owner/moderator of another closed group accusing her of taking the material in the group and using it as the subject matter of a book. (which she vehemently denies). In the “new” closed group, when a moderator demanded its members adhere to a strict code of confidentiality I questioned how that could be widely and universally applied across the board since if any new, break through counseling techniques, counselors or centers were opened, that should be shared with everyone and also reminded people that courts had subpoena power over any “closed group.” As I pushed the points and asked for discourse, one of the moderators dismissively stated that she could “mansplain” it to me. I was not surprised that she was not called out for the use of such demeaning terminology directed toward an individual.

What these closed group moderators/admins fail to grasp, as their egos continue to run rampant, as they are blindly guided by their political views and agenda, the cracks in the “closed groups” are ever widening and “their closed groups” are beginning to be defined, not by their strengths but by their weaknesses. They do not understand that the “closed groups” do not belong to them at all. They belong to the parents who constitute the members. The moderators are merely stewards of the groups and should “their” members leave, they will have exactly what they have now … nothing. And all the while, the chilling laughter of the Demon lingers in the background.

These groups are losing, or have lost, the Power of the Message. These groups are underestimating the dark strength of this disease. These groups, instead of proliferating, are weakening. Our loved ones continue to die at an alarming rate. And all the while, the chilling laughter of the Demon lingers in the background.

There are millions of parents worldwide who are experiencing anxiety, crippling fear and hopelessness as their beloved child or spouse withers. An asset which could provide hope and shared strength for those parents is intent on burning itself to the ground. And the moderators, who are so concerned about lording themselves over their groups to the exclusion of everyone else may find themselves nothing but “Queen of the Ashes.” And all the while, the chilling laughter of the Demon lingers. 

As a final reminder of what the disease is about of the incredible harm it does to its victims and families, I will leave you with this: 

https://vimeo.com/218511446